Les petites évasions : When It’s Your Husband’s Job to Kiss Another Woman

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When I posted an article on how I would totally hate it if my husband had a friend of the opposite sex, I got a lot of mixed comments. Some people agreed with me, citing opposite-sex friendships as “disrespectful,” while others scoffed as to why I would have such obvious trust issues as to care.

One reader, however, caught my eye when she commented — with what sounded like a bit of laughter via the keyboard — that friends of the opposite sex were certainly no big deal in her marriage, because she and her spouse trusted each other enough to kiss other people.

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I did a double take over my computer and the baby in my lap. Kiss?!

As it would turn out, Hilary Dudek and her husband Matt are stage actors by avocation, so kissing is sometimes part of the job. But still, I wondered, what is it like to watch your partner kiss someone else in front of you?

The couple has been married for two years and acting on stage for many more. Shockingly enough, Hilary and Matt’s relationships with other people on stage have led to some pretty exciting twists off stage — with everything from a surprise proposal to a whole lot of chemistry. Hilary gave me the full scoop on how kissing another man actually “spiced” up their marriage and how trust only enhances everything.

====What does it feel like to watch your husband kiss someone else on stage?====

The first (and so far only) time I saw him kiss another woman on stage, we weren’t even engaged yet. While Matt makes his living as a percussionist for musical theatre, he very much enjoys taking a break and doing something onstage. So he was playing John Brooke in the musical version of Little Women. He had a very sweet, innocent kiss with the girl playing Meg, both on their knees and holding hands. I was critically watching with eagle eyes, waiting to be jealous, but I really couldn’t get worked up about it. It just didn’t bother me. After the show, I met the girl who played Meg, and we’ve been friends ever since.

Unrelated to him kissing another girl, he actually proposed that night. Little did I know that while watching him onstage with Meg, my engagement ring was actually in the green room, and everyone in the entire show and pit knew that he was proposing. A couple girls actually were giggling uncontrollably as they came up to me after the show to meet me, knowing what was to come later. It sort of clued me in to the fact that something was up. Late that night, under the stars, he proposed.

====Did you discuss it before it happened?====

We were both pretty jealous people prior to being engaged, so it was definitely discussed. I wasn’t a huge fan of it, even just discussing it, but I knew the day would come when I would be the one onstage, having to kiss another man, so I did my best to be relaxed about it. I mean, he was playing John Brooke, one of the most respectful, gentlemanly (and two-dimensional) men in all of literature (in my opinion anyway).

====How does your husband feel about you kissing another man on stage?====

I kissed another man onstage when I played the role of his girlfriend Linda in Evil Dead: The Musical. We had a tongue-in-cheek duet about falling in love when we met each other working at “S-Mart”, and at the end he says “give me some sugar baby!” and kisses me. We never practiced that part until tech week, and then it was a tame kiss. However, he was a very attractive guy, and I know he found me attractive too. Throughout the run of the show, the kiss got hotter and heavier every single night, until closing night was just crazy. Matt was not only co-director on this show (so he essentially cast me in this role), but he also was the drummer. The band was on a platform at the back of the stage, so each night he was looking down on me, his wife, making out with another man (and trying not to be obvious about it). I was pleasantly surprised to find that it actually didn’t bother Matt; since he was the one who got to take me home at the end of the night. It actually made things a little spicier!

====Do you ever feel jealous?====

Not anymore. My jealousy really disappeared after I had our daughter, and felt attractive again. Our marriage has grown and flourished so much in these short two years, that I can’t envision feeling that way again. Anything’s possible, of course, but we work hard at our relationship, and Matt makes me feel incredibly safe and desired.

Do you think it would be abnormal for a woman to feel some jealousy in this situation or would it mean that she didn’t trust her husband?

I don’t think it would be abnormal for either spouse to feel some jealousy. I have married female friends who have to be careful what roles they audition for because their husbands may not be comfortable with the kissing or touching required. I am sure there are women who would feel some jealousy watching their husband being romantic with another woman for all to see, especially if it was a racy role or scene. However, I think that if your marriage is strong enough, and you communicate well and frequently, and feel safe voicing your concerns, it shouldn’t be an issue. It also helps when both spouses are performers. Theatre is an alternate reality, it’s grown-ups playing make-believe, and it shouldn’t be anything more than that.

====How would you describe your marriage?====

We have a very close and very solid marriage. We’ve only been married for two years, but we’ve known each other for ten, and dated for over two years before getting married. I would say our marriage is built on a mutual respect, on humor, communication, a crazy sexual chemistry, and most importantly, on a very deep love for each other. We have our fights as all couples do, but I can honestly say we fight in a pretty good way; no yelling or name calling. We’re not allowed to tell each other to shut up. Our marriage isn’t perfect, it’s perfectly imperfect, and we work on it every day.

====How did you develop that level of trust?====

Really, by communicating openly and often. Discussing our fears and our fantasies really helped the most. When you feel safe talking about any subject under the sun, it’s easy to nurture a deep trust.

What do you think? How would your husband handle watching you kiss another man?

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